 |
| This picture never happens in the movie. Neither does anything interesting. |
Me: Ok. It is pitch black in my room. There is a window DIRECTLY BEHIND MY HEAD with no curtain, so if I turned around I could easily see the demon behind me. I’m seriously freaked out right now. I have brushed my teeth. I am all ready to go. This is much worse for me. You don’t have to listen through headphones. Headphones are much worse. My heart rate is elevated.
Chris: If this is too much for you…What if you
vomit? Will we need to pause? And my headphones won’t reach. This is the
documentary one. Every movie we watch is found footage, remember? Chronicle,
Project X, etc.
Me: how fast is this guy going to die? i'm
calling 5 minutes
Chris:
No way, dude. This is the main character. Maybe.
me:
it is? i thought the mainy was a woman
Chris:
I don't know... I don't really have any recollection of the trailers.
me:
bible noogie!
Chris:
Kroger brand Coke is the grossest of the store brands, for the record. I
would punch this guy in the face.
 |
| The main guy |
Chris:
People who try to act like they're not acting are more unbelievable than
people who act like they're acting.
me:
YES. i was thinking this but you put it into good words
Of course he has
an ancient book, only 20 in the whole world. why wouldn't he?
Chris:
Well, he's had exorcists in his family. He's done 150 of them.
me:
that's legit. is he like, the jordan of exorcists? game 6, has the flu,
casts out 56 demons?
Chris:
He's more like the Brian Jordan of exorcists. Solid career, journeyman,
nothing special.
me:
DONT OPEN IT
why would the
vatican admit to some exorcists but not all of them?
WOAH KID. WHAT IS
THAT VOICE
Chris:
I was trying to answer but got distracted by the kid.
me:
is...he a normal child or am i a terrible person
Chris:
I think the Vatican doesn't want to acknowledge how deep the problem
runs.
It's possible the
pope is actually a demon.
Oh, he's deaf.
You're a demon,
Mike.
me:
oh ok, i am a terrible person. i feel SO bad right now
Chris:
Can you imagine, right now, how scary it's gonna be when that deaf kid is
possessed by Satan?
Chris:
Satan is the Jordan of demons.
Me:
or is he like, the dr. naismith?
Chris:
God created Satan, so he's Naismith. Or maybe Phil Jackson? Dean
Smith? Is anything scary ever going to happen?
me:
that kid talking was scary
Chris:
I mean scary to people who aren't already going to hell.
me:
hmm. then no
Chris:
This guy deserves all the horrible things that are coming to him. Just
because of that smirk.
me:
that was a -I just saw an alligator smirk
me:
THATS MY SON. i wrote that before he said it, i swear
Chris:
Are YOU possessed by Satan? Is he looking in through your window right
now?
me:
that is the least funny thing you've ever said
Chris:
And then next thing you know, you're vomiting pea soup everywhere.
Chris:
She looks possessed. This is about to get scary.
me: im
getting creeped out. her eyes are freaky. i bet her wife WAS KILLED.
 |
| Nel. |
me:
yeah, i bet they put it in the ad - like, hey, it will help if you
already look possessed
Chris:
I always wonder about stuff like that. Some roles call for an extremely
ugly person. Do they advertise that?
me:
they have to, they aren't going to waste their time
Chris:
But doesn't that hurt their self esteem?
Me:
not if they make millions of dollars in a hugely successful film
Chris:
And the most famous ugly person role I can think of went to Charlize
Theron in Monster.
They didn't even
want an actual ugly person. I bet ugly people were really mad.
me:
i'm like, 100 percent the end of this movie ends in BLACK
Chris:
What if they solve all their problems and successfully cast out the
devil?
me:
i guess yay?
Chris:
There'd be no reason for it to go BLACK then.
me:
THE WATER IS BOILING
Chris:
Alka Seltzer?
me:
"do you not read latin?!?!?!" WHAT A DICK. he said that in the
most dickish way
Chris:
In Louisiana, you're lucky if you can even read English.
me:
touché. yeah i was pretty sure he threw something in there. so i guess in
this movie he's all like, lol i'll do all my old tricks and then
"fix" her even though i proved on camera it was all my BS
Chris:
I have a feeling the joke will be on him.
me:
i have a feeling i'm really freaked out
Chris:
Did you know they're doing a sequel to this movie?
me:
the Last last exorcism: for real this time
Chris:
The Last Exorcism Again? The Final Exorcism? The Laster Exorcism? They
really are doing a sequel, though. Something bad is about to happen. I know it.
me:
i think they might do one more "oh look he got them" scene, and
then at night shit goes down. this is still scaring me.
Chris:
He's gonna THINK it's all fake, but then something "real" will
happen.
me:
i am keeping my eyes on this cat. my hackles are raised. how are you not
scared?
Chris:
I keep seeing these glowing red orbs through the window.
me:
HES ELECTROCUTING HER
Chris:
This guy's a big fat phony. Ooh, Ulysses S. Grant says those demons won't
be coming back. Who pays people in 50s, anyway?
me:
it's all about the benjamins. what? is he faking? oh, he is/. I AM SO
SCARED CHRIS. something is going to HAPPEN
Chris:
But nothing has happened!
me:
but its GOING TO
Chris:
Are you sure?
me:
yes
omg
omg
Chris:
He's back in his hotel!
me:
i can't take this
Chris:
No worries.
Chris:
Evil murderers are way scarier than demons and spirits.
me:
no, no, no
Chris:
Because they're could for real be an evil murderer looking in through my
window right now.
me:
OMG SHE FOUND HIM
Chris:
Uh oh.
me:
chris. i can't do this. this was a bad idea
Chris:
Should we stop?
me:
how did she get there?
Chris:
She probably walked. PEA SOUP!!!!
me:
CHRIS THIS MUSIC. i'm turning my light on…or maybe i shouldnt
Chris:
DON'T. You'll SEE all the demons.
me:
it will illuminate the closet door that's halfway open
Chris:
In the dark, you can pretend like they're not there
me:
or i can pretend like they're right about to grab my arm. why couldnt we
have picked a monster movie, or killer movie
Chris:
I thought you wanted something SCARY. Do you want to know my secret? I'm
not even watching the movie. I've got Jimmy Fallon on right now.
me:
if this is true, i will hate you forever. we will no longer be friends
Chris:
That would be really funny, but Jimmy Fallon makes me way more
uncomfortable than this movie.
me:
what's wrong with jimmy fallon?
Chris:
So many things. His face.
me:
he's funny! kinda
I'm coughing and i
cough up phlegm and now i'm wondering if it's demon phlegm or pea soup or
whatever
Chris:
Is it green and chunky? Is your head rotating 360 degrees? That's a big
clue.
me:
if my head started to rotate, the scariest thing would be that i would be
looking out the window. who knows what's out there right now?
Chris:
I was just finding what's outside your window.http://bit.ly/aaRSBl
me:
That is now the least funny thing you've ever done. i thought you'd be
cool and send me a puppy or something
Chris:
Like this? http://bit.ly/IDzNPr
me:
that was a nazgul which is awesome and not scary
Chris:
Nerd.
Me:
creepy music starting
Chris:
That's what Google thinks you want when you search for "scary
wraith." I don't hear any music.
me:
wow, who searches for "wraith" - NERD
 |
| Seeing this is never a good thing |
me:
CHRIS SHES STANDING
CHRIS
Chris:
GIRL STANDING IN HALL
me:
this is not good. my hackles are raised
hacklesssss
Chris:
She's about to use the mandible claw on somebody!
me:
DONT FOLLOW HER
...is she
splashing in the water?
Chris:
Drown that doll!
me:
that was the least scary demon thing you can do
splish splash in a
bath
OMG HIDE THE CAT
THAT CAT IS NOT
GOING TO MAKE IT
Chris:
Some demon is gonna pop up in those mirrors at some point.
me:
shes PREGGERS?!
Chris:
INCEST?!
me:
taking an incest break
Chris:
I'd be so happy that the documentary crew was there.
me:
SHE HAS THE CAMERA
OMG
OMG
no
no
Chris:
YES YES YES
me:
i'm closing my eyes
CHRIS
Chris:
Into the barn we go.
me:
...why would a demon get a camera?
how do they know
how to use it?
 |
| The last known whereabouts of Mr. Jingles |
me:
NO NOT THE CAT
Chris:
Poor kitty...
me:
wouldn’t she talk in latin?
Chris:
Did the doc crew just LEAVE THEIR EQUIPMENT lying around?
me:
who says here kitty kitty. that's so lame
Chris:
Kitties don't understand Latin.
me:
she's definitely carryng a boom stick too, and some lights
Chris:
Hold on, hold on... I need to get an establishing shot real quick.
me:
yeah, real slow, zoom feature. demons know the value of good
cinematography
Chris:
They're all gonna die.
me:
“i mean, she is a 16 y/o girl. easily overpowered”
Chris:
SATAN is not easily overpowered.
me: i mean, i know how ridiculous this
movie is, but i'm still seriously very anxious and scared
Chris:
Who's filming now?
me:
is that the cameraman's first line of dialogue?
Chris:
Oh Christ!
me:
why can't she ever just lay down on the bed
Chris:
No, the cameraman was talking a minute ago.
me:
HES STANDING BEHIND YOU
Chris:
About how dangerous she is.
me:
HES IN THE ROOM WITH US
if she says either
of those things, i'm losing it
Chris:
I hear creaking above me because Aaron's in his room. It always happens
when something scary's gonna happen.
me:
i know! my cell phone blinked, and i lost it
Chris:
Do we find out at the end that it's not really a demon?
me:
did they pick her name to be nel because it's close to hell?
AND WHAT DOES THAT
LINE MEAN?
Chris:
He's gonna kill her himself!
me:
"if you dont save my daughter's soul, i will" ??
Chris: Just do it, man! Let's get this
over with.
me:
did another cat just die? it sounded like it
Chris:
I hear a recorder!
me:
is she playing the recorder and slamming herself into the door?
Chris:
SITTING ON BED!
me:
that's serious talent
i will lose it
if she jumps out
CHRIS
i can't take a
jump right now
Chris:
That's a cheap scare, though.
me:
do you put it past this movie?
 |
| Get down from there right now, young lady. |
me:
ok, better
but i bet she
still screams and jumps at them
SCREAM JUMP
JUMP BITE
SEE
Chris:
JUMP!
me:
SEE
Chris:
JUMP!
me:
SEE
Chris:
JUMP!
me:
NO NOT ANOTHER JUMP
one is enough
right? no, they calmed it all down again. another is coming. a bigger one
Chris:
Two is better than one! I learned that watching Extreme Rules last night.
me:
now here's the thing -- did the documentary crew go back and edit the
scary violin music in LATER?
like wow, this
real thing that happened was really scary, let's throw in some dark noises and
creepy violins to hit our true story home
Chris:
Ooh, the ol' scarecrow! That's a good question. So that means somebody
survives, right?>
me:
then how do we see it? or does nel the ol' oscar winnning cameraman take
it to hollywood?
THATS THE SEQUEL:
Nel goes Hollywood
Chris:
We see it because the documentary crew survives.
me:
at this point, you pick up a baseball bat
Chris:
I think she's got a future ahead of her, for sure.
me:
and you just go after nel
i'm feeling a jump
JUMP
Chris:
JUMP!
me:
I CALLED IT
Chris:
Then why did it scare you?
me:
OH NO LEWIS
Chris:
Slow walkin' rifleman! To the rescue!
Chris:
I had to turn it down to keep from waking the roommates.
me:
that's not fair. LEWIS. DONT DO IT. something tells me this exorcism will
not go well
Chris:
They just left her in the barn?!
me:
why would you go in the creepy barn?
Chris:
I feel like we're back in the Walking Dead when Daryl was torturing the
guy from the other camp. All chained up in the barn.
me:
oh man, he is going to get sooooooooooo messed up. the crew is editing
scary sounds again
Chris:
They're just editing like crazy in general.
me:
wow THAT is nasty
Chris:
How many cameras do they HAVE?
me:
neck bones cracking are nasty. like, if i see a normal person who is not
possessed crack their necks i get pretty creeped out.
OH NO
JUMP COMING
JUMP IS COMING
jumpjumpjump
CHRIS
Chris:
Nell's in hell!
me:
the writers were so proud of that one
Chris:
Haha, all her fingers.
me: she didnt need those
dude
Chris:
Her fingers would heal, broseph!
me:
that was a terrible move, and this is from the michael jordan of
exorcists!
Chris:
This movie opened at #2 in the box office and grossed $67 million. That's
not bad.
The other shoe's
gotta drop, right?
 |
| Logan: dated a demon girl, it wasn't for him. |
Chris:
He's GAY?!
me:
"im not exactly interested in....demon girls"
Chris:
That's a great defense in general, though.
me:
yeah. see? night time
Chris:
We only have like 10 minutes left. Something better happen.
me:
i like how it took 8 hours to drive to a cafe and head back. no chris,
why cant we just let it be
Chris:
Abandoned house!
me:
i am fine with the big reveal being that logan is gay. that was a real
shocker!
Chris:
They're SO dead.
me:
OMG DARK HOUSE
Chris:
NOOOOO!
me:
JUMP
Chris:
PENTAGRAMS
Me: why would you GO INTO THE WOODS
Chris:
It's the safest place! They've gotta find Nell. Turn off the light!
me:
i guess as long as she's screaming she cant sneak up on you
Chris:
Satanic ritual?!
me:
SECRET DEVIL WORSHIPPERS GATHERING
me:
is that the antichrist?
Chris:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me:
BURN IT
Chris:
No, doc crew! You can't bail! Axeman!
me:
THAT WAS REALLY RANDOM
Chris:
AND BLACK!
me:
see, when a human who is not possessed does the killing, my heart rate
calms
Chris:
ANNNNNNNND BLACK!
me:
RUN. Oh, there he is. Caleb!
Chris:
And black!
me:
BLACK
turning lights on
now
Chris:
Christ that sucked.
me:
i am still scared
Chris:
Watching it was fun, but WHAT WAS THAT ending?
me:
that ending completely sucked
Chris:
I'm so mad that the demon baby looked like it was made of flamin' hot
Cheetos.
 |
| True story: Richard Montanez worked as a janitor in a Frito-Lay factory where he came up with the idea for Flamin' Hot Cheetos. He took it to the executives, who loved it. It's now Frito-Lay's top selling item, and Montanez is now the head of Multicultural Sales & Community Promotions for the North American sector of PepsiCo. |
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