Nothing Like a Fresh Pair of Jordans

In my quest to become the world’s premier basketball athlete, there was always one thing holding me back. Until now.  I got my first pair of Jordan’s (Jordans? Jordans’s?), and I'm steppin on, steppin on haters everyday.

I’m not a shoe guy. My roommate was a shoe guy, and I thought that was cool, and he was cool, and he’d talk about things like air-bubble soles and coffee cream coloring and I knew these were cool things but that’s about it. He’d even take a little toothbrush and clean them. He had a whole closet full of them and would order new ones over the internet which I could not *believe* because what if they don’t fit? I have Gym Shoes, Jeans Shoes, Khaki Shoes and Wedding Shoes. And flip-flops. I’d just wear the same pair of shoes I always did until I wore a hole in them and they fell apart. Until now. Did I say I got my first pair of Jordans?!

This is a really big step up, because the number one way to know if someone is Not Terrible at basketball at the gym is to look at their shoes.

Here’s how it works:

Generic Sneakers: Your friends made you come out to play. You don't know how.

Running shoes:  You are athletic, and you probably played a lot with your brothers at home. Or, you are really just probably in training to keep up your endurance from when you won state basketball in high school, and you're Really Good.

Basketball shoes: You think they look cool. Or you care enough about playing to buy them. Or they’re left over from your state winning high school basketball team and still fit.

Basketball shoes with caIf-high socks:  You were on your state winning high school basketball team and are just taking some time to shoot around in the gym before going to lift before grabbing a protein shake before your varsity club basketball team game, where you are the star. These are the guys who ask if you “want to run” with them, because "playing" is not an option at such a high level. Only running.

...did I mention most people are way better than I am?

But now I have my own pair. People will look at me with real hesitation. Opening these, there was like a golden light that came out of the box. I felt like Benny "the Jet" Rodriguez on the Sandlot, where he gets the new Converse PF Flyers Center High Tops right after seeing Babe Ruth in a dream! Shoes guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher. I can pickle the Beast!

(Start at 9:04)

I don’t know where these were all my life, but they are here, and the amount of confidence these bad boys gives me is ridiculous. It takes my defensive flailing, mistaken fouls, and brick jump shots to a whole new level. I’m pretty sure I got another half-inch on my vertical; I’m practically dunking.

 I even find I care about them and don’t want to do things Jordan wouldn’t do like use them to walk on concrete or own a good basketball team (heyoh!). I mean, these are the real deal.

Also, this: http://wtfismikewearing.tumblr.com/