Mike Reviews the Westin Hotel

Woah, this place is ritzy. But like, it’s modern ritzy. All the lampshades are square and there are the walls with water running down them and there is art deco (though I’m not exactly sure what that is) and stuff. This building is basically a skyscraper. It’s huge. And the people are all like “how are you, sir” when you walk in, cuz hey, it’s nice to be appreciated. You walk inside down this weird twisting corridor towards the elevators. You make something like a left and two rights just to get to the elevator, passing by such things as their in-hotel convenience store and some purple/blue glass art hanging on the wall. The highlight of this walk down the hallways to who-knows-where is the “library” which consists of some chairs and a few hundred books, ALL WRAPPED IN WHITE BOOK COVERS. So, you have no idea what the books are. I checked a few – the Immaculate Deception, and some stuff on stock buying- but the Westin is clearly making a social commentary here. I mean, it’s not about the books, right? It’s about having them. D/Touche, Westin.

The elevators are a trip too, because they go from the ground floor and then start at the 11^th floor. There’s this weird long trip where you’re in the elevator and it’s like “Ground floor” and a SUPER long pause then “11^th’ floor, and then pops up really quickly to 12 and 13 and whatever. What’s going on, Westin? How would I get to those other floors if I wanted; enter the Mafia?

The room is absolutely and completely totally cool. I walked in and was like, where’s the light switch? Apparently you have to swipe YOUR KEYCARD to TURN ON THE LIGHTS IN THE ROOM (sorry, you don’t swipe keycards at the Westin, you just press your keycard to the panel thing). I started to walk around, and then the lights went out. Apparently you have to PUT YOUR KEYCARD IN THE LIGHTSWITCH to keep the lights on, because then when you leave you have to take your key and then the lights go off and then you conserve energy. Woah. Also, you get a $5 voucher for various stores if you don’t have housekeeping do your sheets. This is a seriously great idea.

The room has a really great view of other buildings and streets in Phoenix, and the room itself is super modern ritzy too. More square lampshades, and the bathroom looks like a zen garden. Obviously, there’s complimentary MOUTH WASH. And a bathrobe! (but just one, even though you’re staying in a room with two beds in it. Just one robe. Who gets it!??!).

So I’d totally give this a great review, because of the modern and awesome stuff, but white-book library and mafia floors are a little offputting. Then I realized it cost $4.50 AN HOUR for internet and then I was over the Westin. 0/5 stars.